Montag, Oktober 03, 2005
Of losing and worst fears.Am just back from sunny bintan, and another busy work week's here.
Been away from my blog for a mere 10 days and so many things have happened; I've just been counting how much I've lost. I've lost contact with some of my closest friends, lost a considerable amount of sleep for the past few weeks, lost opportunities to love and be loved, lost my temper at a dear friend, and judging by my recent posts, I've lost myself and have basically become an emotional wuss.
Now I know people are gonna tell me I should have counted the stuff i gained instead, but that's just plain boring, and it was definitely not inkeeping with my self-destructing mood. Anyway, I counted, counted, and counted. Counted the no. of things I should have said. Counted the no. of things I shouldn't even have thought about saying, no. of times I said things I didn't mean. I lost count many times, and then I started counting how many times I lost count, and then lost count again. Lost count of the countless times I lost count. Ladies and gentlemen, this is mental self-torture, or as I would like to call it, mathematics for the suicidal.
I hate losing. I really do. Those who know me well would know, those who've been in arguments with me wouldn't be likely to forget either, I hate losing my mobile phone, hate losing arguments and games, and above all I hate losing the people I care about.
I've lost so much lately, I feel defeated.
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Now I wouldn't call myself a deep thinker, neither will I pretend to be one. My thoughts mostly revolve around me and the people in my life. Call me an ignorant fool, I don't care who's the president of whichever country, I don't care for Tom cruise, neither am I interested in who he decides to marry next, and most of all I don't care about the people slamming me in the comments sections. They can spend hours thinking of witty nasty comments to make a point, really. But they forget that it only takes me 1 click to delete them. You're an ugly bitch blah blah, you're a slut for being in maxim, a disgrace to all women blah blah. We only get to live once and I choose to live this way. I like blogging, I like having fun, and though the photoshoot didn't turn out as well as I would have liked it to, it was a fun experience, and that's enough for me.
I have no idea when did people suddenly appoint themselves rulers of the universe and go round judging lives of people whom are complete strangers to them. Who's to say what's right what's wrong anyway? In my opinion, the only measure of the quality of life is the amount of happiness it brings you. I may not be happy now, but I'm getting there, and that's how I know I'm living my life right. I guess what I'm trying to say is, a blog is never private, yes, once you post things up on the internet, it's open for scrutinization, sure I do know that. But as much as people have the right to post nasty comments, I have the right to delete them, for the last thing I need is more crap in my life.
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You know how it is when sometimes people slip into a routine and unconsciously they eat the same food everyday, do the same things and talk to the same goondu heads at work everyday. That is my worst fear. Well that, and losing. I'm not saying that routine's bad, some people like it, , it's familiar, it's comfortable, it's safe. But it has always been my belief that routine kills the soul.
There're 8 buttons on the Nescafe machine in the pantry at work. Milo, double esperesso, cappucino and so on. I'm not a big fan of coffee, and basically if it were up to me, it would be Milo 24/7. But every morning I close my eyes and poke blindly at the buttons, just to avoid routine. Sometimes I get the extra black and super bitter coffee, and I end up making funny faces at my colleague sitting across from me. Silly, i know. ;)
I'm just going on and on here, but It feels good, letting it all out. Love blogging, love receiving mails from readers who tell me they're facing the same problems; that way I know I'm not alone, and it makes life so much easier to deal with. Everybody wants to be heard, and I want to hear.
What's your worst fear?
Something to say? =)
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