Montag, Oktober 17, 2005
ClosureAnd so my heart has finally found the closure it needs. It took me long enough i guess, but i'm finally...... free. Woke up this morning feeling strange - my heart, though empty, felt as light as a feather. Squinted at the morning sun and everything felt surreal. As i walked to the bus stop, i heard my heels click with every step i took and in my mind i saw myself as a little girl again - the first time i smeared my mum's lipstick all over my face (and got a hell of a beating from her), the first time i won the colouring contest in kindergarden, the first time i looked at georgie and decided that he was definitely going home with me; the first time my felt my heart swell with affection, the first time i realized that unconditional love might possibly be the most beautiful thing in the world, and the painful process of giving it might be worth everything that money can't buy.
I know this is way overdue, but here's my bit of contribution to this meme.
I'm that girl.
I'm the girl who looks, walks and talks exactly like her shanghainese mother.
I'm the girl whose mum named her Georgina. She hated that name, but kept quiet about it. Anything to please her mum.
I'm the girl who danced all three ethnic dance performances in kindergarden on racial harmony day, because her mum wanted her to. She hated the stuffy costumes, and hated memorising the dance steps, but silently pranced around the stage and forced a smile for her mum, who sat in the front row holding a camera. Anything to please her.
I'm the girl who was top in class in primary school for 4 consecutive years. She hated chinese, but obediently finished the mountain of chinese assessments her mum bought. Anything to please her.
I'm the girl who scored full marks in the next chinese exam.
I'm the girl who ran home after school excitedly, chinese exam paper clutched tightly in hand, eager to share the good news.
I'm the girl who first felt her heart ache when her mum told her, full marks is not a big deal. It's what she should do, and anything less than that would be inadequate.
I'm the girl who has never felt worthy since. Not for anyone, not for anything.
I'm the girl whose parents cheated on each other. I'm the girl whose parents think marriage is a game.
I'm the girl who used to be afraid of hearing the phone ring. Her dad would call home saying that he needs to entertain his clients tonight, after which she would get a beating from her mum for no reason at all.
I'm the girl whose mum dressed her in long sleeved pyjamas after every beating.
I'm the girl whose dad came home in the morning and discovered her wounds during their usual morning tickling game.
I'm the girl who wished she was dead as she watched her dad confront her mum.
I'm the girl who cried herself hoarse as her parents fought. If only they would look at her.
I'm the girl whom they love the most.
I'm the girl whom they hurt the most.
I'm the girl who still loves them.
I'm the girl who watched from her window as her mum left, never to return again.
I'm the girl who claims she doesn't cry. Not anymore.
I'm the girl who doesn't believe in marriage, nor fidelity.
I'm the girl who changed her name when her mum left.
I'm the girl who started clubbing at age 14.
I'm the girl who started drinking incessantly at age 17.
I'm the girl who waited 10 years for her mum to come back to her.
I'm the girl who waited in vain.
I'm the girl who took 10 years to pick herself up, out of the deep dark pit.
I'm the girl who's still learning how to walk, while others are already flying.
I'm the girl who looks back and thinks, she wouldn't exchange her childhood for anything in the world.
Yeah, i'm that girl. Who are you?
Something to say? =)
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