Dienstag, September 20, 2005
The stuff that I didn't want to blog about but changed my mind.12 blog posts left unpublished and still counting. All of which talked about decisions, fears and hopes. None of which i would talk to people about. Here are some extracts:
I have to admit, I'm not the most forgiving person around. It has become part of me to shut people out once they err, and its bad, I know. They say people learn from painful experiences. I think the only thing we learn is how to defend ourselves. For example, you can't stop the people you love from saying/doing hurtful things, but you come to terms with it. Most people learn to deal with hurt by attempting to understand why that person did that, or simply accepting that person for who he/she is, blah blah blah. But will you ever understand, really? How can you put yourself in other people's shoes when no one's the same size? And when people don't understand, they do not accept. They are resigned, and there's a fine line between the two.
As do most people, I've subconsciously equipped myself with emotional reflexes and defense mechanisms. Shutting people out is one of them. It has always been my belief that I do not need to understand, nor accept anyone or anything. Evading, running, and digressing skills were pretty much my survival tools in this jungle of a world we live in. The key to protecting oneself, is just to simply not care.
Recently I met someone who quickly became a close friend. The friendship started in a blur, we were as different as night and day, but yet there was some kind of unexplainable bond. Though a very confused individual, with the darkest insecurities, he had a soft side which yearned to be hugged and accepted; I found myself caring for his welfare and reassuring him that he is and will still be very much loved, even though attempts to take the friendship further backfired. The fact is, I'm just as confused as he is.
A long talk led to an idea of an open relationship.
Does it work? Will that work? Where's the line?
I have no idea what I am, he said. I don't know what I want anymore.
Neither do I, darling. Neither do i.
Something to say? =)
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